TRAPPED: BREAKING FREE - BOOK 1 Page 2

  I slip some sausages in my basket and a few snacks for the kids for lunch and aim towards the checkout, there is never such a thing as having too much food in the fridge when you happen to have small children, they constantly eat you out of house and home.

  The shopping is all bagged up and ready to go, leaving the only thing left to do, pay.

  Upon opening my purse I start to panic.

  Where the hell is my bank card? It’s never out of my purse unless I pay for something! Oh god no, please be in here somewhere.

  I empty every zip, check every section of it, but no matter where I look it’s just not in there. I start feeling sick, my body temperature rising and sweat dripping down my back.

  How am I going to explain this to Dan, and how am I to pay for my shopping?

  I try to suck in a few calming breaths and think logically, the best thing to do is check the total, which is flashing up on the unpaid screen at £6.71. Okay, that’s not too bad.

  I know I have over 10 pounds saved in points on my nectar card.

  A sigh of relief escapes my mouth, and I immediately know that it will cover my shopping bill and I can deal with the lost card situation when I get home.

  I throw the front door open, practically running in to the kitchen to dump my bags on the units. I check every room, looking under sofa cushions, moving the solid oak television cabinet, checking drawers and even the fridge. An hour and a half of searching later I come to the conclusion it’s gone, it cannot possibly be in the house, not with how vigorous I was in my search.

  Okay, I won’t tell Dan, I’ll just take my passport into my local branch and order a new bank card.

  What I wouldn’t give to have a partner that is reasonable, one who when something like this happens tells you not to worry and helps you resolve it. But no, not me, I get one that will use any opportunity to bully me and make my life a living hell.

  I’m walking out of the bank, forty minutes later, having successfully cancelled my old card and ordered a new one, hoping I am able to get to the post when it arrives before Dan does.

  I’m in such a hurry to pick Lily up from nursery that I nearly miss my phone ringing.

  My heart skips a beat as I dig my Samsung smart phone out of my bag as fast as I can, praying I answer in time if it’s Dan. He will become overly suspicious if I don’t connect his call.

  I press connect and am practically panting down the phone, feeling seriously anxious and sick to my stomach over what he could be calling for.

  “Hey babe,” I pant, “you okay?” My heart is pounding a mile a minute.

  The lines silent for a few moments.

  I worry I haven’t connected the call in time, but just before I pull the phone from my ear to check, I hear his throat clear down the line, “Connie, care to explain to me why you sound so out of breath?” He grates the words out.

  He is clearly struggling to keep his calm. He must be with or near a co-worker, or this conversation would be a lot nastier.

  “Sorry babe, the bus was running late so I’m practically running to get Lily, I don’t want her waiting on her own for me.” Please don’t ask anymore questions!

  Oh who am I kidding, this is Dan, of course he’s going to want an exact run down of what happened, every minor detail. What the bloody hell am I going to tell him?!

  “Hmm, okay!” He replies. Well, that was.. easy, far too easy, what the hell? Is that all he’s got to say?

  I hear a muffled shout followed by Dan replying he will just be a second before he’s back on the phone. “I’ve got to go Connie. I need to be quick but, I was just calling to see how you got on this morning, were you able to get what I asked you to?“

  “Erm, yep, just about. It’s at home and all unpacked.” The confusion must be evident in my voice, but I carry on regardless. “Listen, I’ll let you go babe, as you’re obviously busy and I’m at the school to collect Lily anyway.” What the hell is going on with him?

  He never rings to ask me if everything was okay. He only ever checks up on me to demand I tell him where I am and who I have been with.

  A fleeting thought of him hiding my bank card enters my mind, but I brush it aside almost instantly. Dan may hurt me, and give me endless grief, but would he really be so petty as to hide a card? A card that he uses too at times? I don’t think so, well, I hope he not.

  I count to ten slowly in my head, cleansing my thoughts of anything negative.

  The depression Dan causes is unwelcome in my day times, I need to block him out in the day, otherwise he will consume my every thought and drive me insane.

  I say my goodbyes, trying to keep my voice as low as possible.

  I don’t want to give any of the parents any insight in to my home life. It’s not worth the grief it will cause.

  CHAPTER TWO

  I’m stood, waiting at the inner school gates for Lily to come out.

  Mrs Sanders, the nursery assistant, makes her way from the building, spotting me almost immediately and calling me over to her.

  This is usually protocol for if a child has been hurt or had an accident.

  What now? I feel thoroughly exhausted and want the day to end already.

  I practically drag my feet as I head in her direction.

  “Hello Miss Curtis. I’m sorry to have troubled you, I just wanted to make you aware of a minor situation that occurred earlier. We were reading a story at quiet time, and some of the children were expressing themselves with regards to a character in the story. When it came to Lily’s turn, she was quite vocal in regards with how Daddy makes her feel sometimes.”

  My heart is pounding. Fear has completely overwhelmed me.

  Questions and outcomes of losing my children are swirling around in my brain.

  I’m feeling anxious, hot and really quite faint. Mrs Sanders continues, she obviously doesn’t recognise my state of distress or doesn’t particularly care at this point. “The story was about a child who is always sad and unhappy until she makes some friends at school. Now, I will say that Lily was quite quick to jump in and inform us that Daddy doesn’t upset her per se, but he does upset you and she hates seeing you sad. I do need to ask, is all okay at home? I mean, if it’s not we will of course offer support and point you in the direction of those who can help, you should know you are never alone.”

  I take a few steadying breaths, hoping none of the other parents have overheard this conversation.

  “Thank you so much for informing me. I think Lily is referring to the other night in which I had happened to have a really bad day and she stepped in to the bedroom just as I started crying, and poor Dan was trying to make sense of why I was so upset. I don’t like my children to see my cry so Dan asked her to go and play with her toys so we could talk. She has obviously put what she has seen together and jumped to the wrong conclusion. Thank you so much again though, I will talk to Lily and make sure she’s aware that Daddy wasn’t making me sad and how much Mummy and Daddy love each other. I hate thinking anything has distressed my babies.”

  This seems to placate Mrs Sanders, she laughs and nods before agreeing with me.

  “Yes, children of Lily’s age do make up wonderful scenarios in their little heads, wonderfully creative imaginations I like to say. Thank you for clearing that up and I do sincerely apologise for having to trouble you about it, I just honestly thought you should know. It is quite clear to anyone who is around you that you are very attentive and loving towards your children. I knew you would like to be informed either way though.”

  I look in to Mrs Sanders warm, brown eyes, that are incredibly gentle looking.

  She has small lines fanning them and a straight prominent nose, greying chestnut brown hair and a pudgy body.

  She is ever such a kind woman, and very motherly. She seems to genuinely care for her students and their parents. I feel instant relief by her acceptance of my story, the worry is still there, but the instant panic has reduced some.

  “Thank you, and yes, I do like to know
anything and everything you wish to tell me, please feel free to discuss any issues with me. My babies are my world and the thought of them upset really troubles me.”

  Mrs Sanders rubs my shoulder, a kind smile on her lips. She stares at me for a moment, longer than is comfortable and gives me a resigned nod.

  It’s like she knows I’m beaten down mentally and physically. Realistically I know that’s not possible, as I have learnt to hide every mark.

  My children will never see Dan lose his temper with me.

  They might witness the odd after tear I spill or the beginnings of him shouting, but I always take the abuse away from them.

  “Okay dear, well if you need anything you let me know. Lily is a gem to teach and a lovely child. I can see she gets her kind, caring nature from you. Like I said a second ago, children and their over active imaginations ay!”

  Before I get a chance to respond she winks at me and steps back inside the small brick built nursery building, bringing out the children and lining them up in the playground ready to go home.

  Oh my god, So many thoughts are crashing through my mind right now, each one leads to another and I can’t calm down enough to see sense through them all.

  I know I need to talk to Lily, and find out what she has seen.

  My poor baby. What the hell has she witnessed? I’m such a crap mother, what parent doesn’t realise their child is distressed?

  I look around at the other parents, and thankfully none seem to be paying too much attention to me, they are all engrossed in their own conversations.

  I have had a few conversations with them, but all in all I try to keep myself to myself. I found out the hard way that if you let people in, they tend to take notice of little things you don’t hide properly.

  Before you know it, they are questioning and pressuring you to speak up. They start talking to other people about their concerns and it quickly spirals out of control.

  This in turn leads to Dan becoming angry and practically keeping me and the kids prisoners in our own home, under lock and key until it all dies down. We cannot live like that, and therefore, I find it is easier to just have a few select friends who choose to support me, rather than judge me.

  Lily’s name is called and she immediately rushes through the open wooden gate, throwing herself at my legs, arms wrapped around my hips and squeezing as if she fears I’ll disappear if she releases me.

  I pull her back and look into her beautiful little face. A huge grin is on her cheeky chops, and I feel a sense of calm wash over me, my children always give me this feeling, the second I feel like everything is falling apart around me, I take one look at them, and all is right with the world again.

  “Hello my beautiful girl, I missed you. How was school?” I ask her as I lift her in to my arms.

  I just want to squeeze her, but I settle for kissing her adorable button nose and jiggling her up and down in my arms.

  Lily giggles and rubs her nose against mine. “Mummy stop.” She’s still laughing as she says this, causing me to break out into laughter too.

  I catch Mrs Sanders watching us out the corner of my eye, she has a small smile on her lips and seems pleased by our little greeting.

  This is our daily routine, our little game, she pretends she wants me to stop, and if I do, she demands I do It again. Lily never tires of it, therefore as long as she is happy, I will not tire of it either.

  We reach the school exit, still giggling and playing, passing one of the Mums and her daughter from the nursery. I bristle on the inside at the filthy look thrown my way, but refuse to give her the satisfaction of reacting outwardly to her hostility.

  I have yet to put Lily down, -this has to be the reason behind the look we are both getting- and I won’t put her down until we are done with our game, why should I cut our fun short because of some stuck up cow? I have been moaned at and lectured on many an occasion by several passers-by in the past, stating how unhealthy it is for Lily not to walk and that I am keeping her mentally behind for her age by babying her. And my answer always remains the same,

  “Our children are young for such a small amount of time, that if my little boy or girl want a cuddle or a bit of comfort from me, I will do all I can to make them happy. This does not mean I let them walk all over me and I keep them behind in development, just that I simply enjoy collecting my little angels from nursery or school and giving them a proper hello, showing them how much they mean to me. If people don’t like it, it’s simple, don’t look!”

  I keep my head held high as we move out of sight.

  There is not a chance in hell that I will put her down, or do things to please these mothers at the school.

  They should focus more on their own children and less on mine.

  We walk, hand in hand from Lily’s nursery to Tia’s nursery around the corner, all the while searching for Diane’s car.

  I spot it parked in the corner of the car park and quickly come to the conclusion she must have arrived at the nursery early to get such a coveted spot.

  I knock on her window, making her jump and squeal in shock before she unlocks the door.

  I place Lily in the back seat with Tia’s toys and climb in to the front next to Diane.

  “Hey chick, you okay” I ask her, already knowing what her answer will be. It always stays the same, no matter how she feels, or what crap has happened to her in the day, she will always say she is fine and ask how the other person is.

  “I’m fine hun, how are you? What are you doing here anyway?” I stifle a laugh at her predictability, not wanting her to think I’m rude.

  “Yeah I’m okay I suppose. Erm listen, I kind of told Lily she could have a play date with Tia. Any chance you want to come to Rhia and Ella’s house?” Rhia is Ella’s mum. Her son Tom, is in Alex’s class and her daughter Ella is the same age as Lily but doesn’t attend a nursery yet.

  Diane turns slightly in her seat, a frown line appearing above her perfectly plucked eye brows and looks me over.

  “Hmm, yeah sure. Are you sure Dan is okay with you being out though? I thought you said he was a bit stressed with work lately and worries about you being out and about. We could always come to yours if it will cause probs?”

  Oh crap. The thought alone, of having people over causes my heart rate to increase, making it pound against my rib cage and my chest suddenly feels incredibly tight.

  If Dan found out I had people over when he wasn’t there, near his things and being nosey as he calls it, I will be in for a whole world of pain. “No honestly it’s fine. My house is a mess anyway and we are so close to Rhia’s, it makes more sense to pop to hers for a bit.” I tell her, trying to sound calm and remain persuasive at the same time.

  “Okay that’s fine with me, but..” She pauses, seeming to be mulling over her next choice of words. “I know something is up. So if you decide you want to talk about it, please know I’m here for you. Everything you have told me in the past has always remained amongst us, you know I’ve got your back, right?”

  Diane knows some of what Dan has put me through. I stupidly had a mini break down at her house one morning over tea.

  My mouth just ran away with me, and before I knew it I’d told her how I felt like a prisoner, and how Dan has been extra moody the last few weeks. I did my best to keep it pretty PG rated, unsure as to how she would have reacted had I have told her more.

  I never in my wildest dreams imagined her confronting him in the playground one morning and telling him he needed to have the kids more so I could go out, drop the moody crap and be more supportive of me.

  I cringe and halt all thoughts of that day immediately. I cannot think back to the abuse I suffered for that stupid mistake, I have placed it into a little box in the back of mind, locked it and thrown away the key.

  I cannot mentally handle going there, it is one of the things that would throw me into a breakdown.

  I honestly thought she would be supportive and just be there to talk to, boy am I glad I didn’t tell h
er about Dan’s mind games or the beatings he is prone to giving me.

  There is no choice for me to do anything other than keep my mouth shut. I can’t tell her anything that I go through, even any of the minor relationship crap that most people go through daily, as I fear how she will react around Dan the next time she sees him.

  Diane is the definition of a fiercely protective mumma bear and I don’t need any more reasons to anger Dan as it is, I do that just by breathing.

  “I’m fine Diane, honest. I will talk to you at Rhia’s house, when little ears can’t eavesdrop and pick up what we are saying,” I tell her, eager to drop the conversation before Lily overhears and repeats it to other people, mainly Dan.

  I shiver at the thought of him finding out I have spoken about him, the hell I would be put through as a consequence of opening my mouth and not keeping our business to ourselves is far too painful to think about, and so I gesture towards the built in music console in the dash and ask her to turn the music on.

  I start singing at the top of my lungs, way off tune to the latest number one hit in the music world at present, effectively diverting her attention from my home life to my terrible singing.

  Rhia answers the door within seconds of us knocking, scaring the life out of me and making me jump out of my skin. I glance at Diane, who is staring back at me with her right eye brow raised.

  I know from the look she is giving me that she has picked up on my jumpiness.

  I’m so anxious Dan will find out I haven’t gone straight home that I’m completely on edge, and obviously mumma bear has observed this.

  Great, let the Connie inquisition commence.

  “Come on in chicas. I’ve made the girls a little lunch, it’s on trays in the kitchen if they are hungry now?” I nod to Rhia, feeling a tad fretful from the scare she ultimately gave me.

  Rhia’s house is incredibly cute and girly.

  I know she has a partner, but he tends to take her children away for weekends and evenings to his Mum’s to give her some alone time. Anything she wants, he gets for her, hence the girlish interior design.